Ian awoke that Saturday morning with a smile on his face. He showered and shaved and spent the better part of the morning doing household tasks, like dusting and taking out the garbage. He found some garden shears in the cabana by the pool and began the arduous task of pruning the rose vines that had taken over the first floor railings.
It was almost noon when he decided, dammit, it was his pool and he was going to use it, so he stripped off his jeans and shirt and dove in. He could hardly believe that he was now the proud owner of a nice home with its own pool. He laughed and splashed and generally just enjoyed himself.
He was just lounging about the shallow end, when Tippy appeared at the pool edge.
“Good morning, Baby Doll!” She cooed.
“Tippy!” He was half shocked and half annoyed.
“What?” She said as she squatted down beside him, slipped off her sandals and dipped her feet in the water beside him.
“I’m kind of naked here.” He said.
“Oh honey, I have been married since I was 22 years old and I have two sons. I have seen a penis before.” she remarked casually.
He covered himself as best he could with his hands. “But not mine!”
“And whose fault is that?” She said. She stared down at his covered privates and pushed down the sunglasses she was wearing to her nose. “And now I have. I’m impressed.” She said flatly and pushed her sunglasses back up. “Let’s move along shall we?”
“Okay.” Ian wasn’t sure what else to say.
“Colton and I are having a small little lunch thingy tomorrow and we’d like you to come. Is one okay with you? Good, we thought it was time you met a few people, you’ve been a nun way too long, Baby Doll.”
Tippy splashed some water on her thighs and kept going. “Now I’m not promising you’ll get laid, but there will be a nice little smorgasbord of selections for you to choose from. We’re just gonna have hamburgers and baked beans and stuff so it’s informal.”
She looked at him still standing in the pool nonchalantly trying to cover his privates. “Not nearly as informal as you are now, but relaxed.”
“Okay…”
“You know, Baby Doll, I’ve always found that country boys have bigger penises, don’t you?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Whatever.” She splashed her toes in the water a little and started rattling on, charming and infuriating Ian at the same time. “Now Colton is from Texas, and he has a really nice one. I’ve often thought how nice it would be to be one of them people that has both sets of equipment…”
“A hermaphrodite?”
“Yeah, one of them. “ She pulled down her glasses and looked at him again, “You are such a catch, smart and hung like a horse.” She pushed her glasses back up and swished her feet in the water staring again off into nowhere. “Stop playing with yourself Baby Doll, it’s kinda rude.”
“I’m not playing with myself.”
“Well then stop pretending to be modest, just relax and enjoy life, Baby Doll…Now don’t get me wrong, I truly enjoy sex, but all that thrusting…how do you boys do it? It’s so exhausting, no wonder you just roll over and go to sleep.”
Ian adored Tippy, but was really hoping she would get to the point and move on. He was getting tired of standing there clutching his ding dong, which is exactly what he felt like.
“No I think being a woman is best. You can just lay back and enjoy all your man’s hard work, so to speak, and if you get bored, you just fake an orgasm, and bring it all to a quick end. Why is it that you boys just will not cum until a woman has had an orgasm? Is it a butch thing?”
Ian started to speak and Tippy put up her hand to stop him, “And don’t tell me you wouldn’t know. You may not be into guys, but I know good and well you’ve been with a woman. You are much too hot a man to not have at least had half a dozen fake letting you take their virginity. If I thought you were stupid and Colt and I played separately, I’d have faked virginity on you by now.”
Tippy leaned back on her hands and kicked the water a little more.
“Did you by any chance have this conversation with judges during the Miss America competition?” Ian asked her.
Tippy threw back her head and laughed. “Oh my God, no! Can you imagine? Course if I had maybe I’d have beat that Miss Rhoade Island by more points. I won so I am not ashamed to admit that it was close. No honey, you didn’t dare talk about sex back then. All the male judges thought you were a virgin and all the female judges knew you were a lying bitch.” She put her hand over her mouth and just laughed.
Ian’s cell phone buzzed. Tippy stopped in mid giggle and reached for it since it was lying on top on Ian’s pants near her. He thought she was handing it him, but she flipped it open and said “Hello.”
“Oh high dear, it’s me, Tippy…his neighbor, can I help you?”
Ian tried to get her attention, “Tippy, I’ll…”
Tippy held up her hand, “Sweetheart, Ian’s busy playing with himself in the pool…”
“I am not playing with myself. Can I have my phone, please?”
She cupped her hand over the cell, “Baby Doll you are all wet and standing in water. Don’t worry I’ll take a message.” And went right back into conversation. “Oh darling, I think that’s a wonderful idea…Yes…uh huh…well I’m sure he doesn’t, but let me ask. He’s a little grumpy today.”
Tippy looked at Ian, “Baby Doll, you don’t have plans for tonight, do you? I didn’t think so...no darling…what was your name again? Wella? No honey, he doesn’t have any plans tonight. I think that will be so good for him…yes I worry about him staying at home so much. He is so good lookin’ and he has a really big penis…I’m lookin’ at it right now. He needs to get out and let people enjoy it more. Don’t you think so?”
Ian just dripped into the pool and hoped he’d drown. He made a mental note that as much as he loved Tippy to keep her separated from sane people. Wella will never ever let him forget this conversation. Once he’d held his breath as long as he could, and decided that maybe he didn’t want to die after all. He pushed out of the water and gasped for air, just in time to see Tippy twisting her hair and chatting away like a school kid on his phone.
“Oh, Wella, honey, you should have seen the look on his face! But I don’t think that Clare person will be bothering him anymore…and he seemed pretty positive he wanted it to be over, so we just saw the opportunity and went with it…”
Oh, God, maybe he did want to die.
“Honey, it’s been so nice talking with you, too. Listen I’ll take care of everything. You all just show up here, okay? Yes, I look forward to meeting you, too. Tah, honey!” She shut his cell phone and looked at Ian. “That assistant of yours is such a sweetheart!”
Ian just stared at her. For the practically the first time since she had shown up Tippy had nothing to say. She looked at Ian and smiled. Ian raised an eyebrow.
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