Vignette #29: Seriously

The rest of the afternoon was a conglomerate of conversations and food. Although the guest list amounted to a broad spectrum of the people next door and the industry powerful, it was a great combination. Friendships were made and the day was filled with laughter and food.

Ian found himself sitting on a chaise conversing with Trampus Scott and Jeremy Tyson. The day had been of surprisingly little shoptalk, and delightfully about normal things that guys would talk about. Jeremy wanted to know how many “birds” Ian had bagged after he left the club last night and Trampus kept trying to light cigarettes that Tippy would grab out of his mouth and throw in the trash can.

“Dammit, Tippy, where can a guy go to get a smoke around here?”

Tippy batted her eyes at him, “Next door? Is that okay, Baby Doll?”

“Sure Tippy, me casa, su smoking lounge!”

“That’s my boy.”

“Com’mon, Trampus, I could use one myself,” Ian hoisted himself up off the chaise, and checked to make sure his phone was still in his pocket. “Follow me boys and fellow nicotine addicts.”

As Ian walked through the trees he could hear Tippy bellow, “And if you got another cheesecake, bring it back with ya!”

In a matter of seconds, Ian, Trampus, Jeremy and Seven where all in Ian’s yard desperately pulling out their brand of cancer stick.

“Man that tastes good. There’s nothing like a smoke after a job well done.” Trampus sighed as he released a thick cloud from his lungs.

Ian tripped up the balcony to get a second ashtray. “Make yourselves at home guys,” Ian said since they already had.

Jeremy looked at Ian, “I can’t believe you don’t sing for a living, mate. You could be huge!”

“Not interested.”

“Why not? You’d get all the birds you wanted, and probably some blokes, too, if that’s what you were in the mood for.” He chirped.

Seven noticed that Jeremy wasn’t smoking and offered him one of his, “You wanna a smoke?”

He waved his hand, “Naw, thanks though, mate. I promised Suzie that I wouldn’t.”

“You are so whipped.” Trampus teased.

“Yes. I am.” He agreed without hesitation, “but it has its benefits.” He added with a throaty laugh. “I can barely walk this morning.” He pulled open the elastic band on his shorts and looked down at his crotch, “Poor monster’s all sore and chaffed.”

“Man, put that pitiful thing away…” Trampus rolled his eyes, “any excuse to pull your pants down, you just want everyone to have pity on you, for Chris’ sakes”

He yanked his pants back up with a snap of the elastic and sat down, “You’re just jealous.” Jeremy looked at the other two. “Someone went home alone last night…a little dry spell.”

“Rosey Palm and I had a whopping good time, thank you.” Trampus rebutted.

“I thought you had more hair on your knuckles than usual.” Jeremy snapped back. “Now what were we talking about? Oh, yeah…Ian why aren’t you in front of the camera instead of behind it?”

Trampus took a puff. “Good question and don’t give me the no talent crap. I was there, too.”

“Tried it, and I’m just more comfortable where I am.” Ian lit up his Marlboro. “Plain and simple.”

Jeremy nodded his head. “Alright, mate. I can accept that.”

“To be honest, I don’t see how you guys can do it, packaging yourself like so much meat and selling it. No offense, I’m one of the buyers, remember.” Ian puffed.

“None taken.” Trampus piped in. “Your gut tells you you’re more suited to choose the hamburger. Our gut tells us how to grind it up, wrap it up and what shelf to put it on.”

Seven interjected, “It’s a tough town. I’ve found you’ve got to take advantage of every situation you’re in, make the most of it good or bad.”

“Got my degree in that one.” Ian said quietly.

“Good for you.” Trampus said. “Make the most of the heat, that will always get you through the winter.”

Tyson snorted. “Thank you, Aesop.”

“Well it’s true.” Trampus crushed out his smoke. “I’ve been lucky. So have you.” He looked at his buddy. “We’ve used our highs to take care of the low times that are bound to come.” He picked the crushed butt up off the lawn and placed it in the ashtray Ian offered.

“By that he means we sock away as much of the profane amounts of cash they pay us away.” Tyson added.

“By low times, he means when no one will pay good money to see either of our wrinkled, sagging derrières anymore.” Trampus lit up a second and took a long drag.

“Or to pay for the plastic surgery to keep the buns perky a little while longer.” Seven teased.

“Personally, I’m hoping at age gracefully.” Jeremy mused. “Sooner or later, someone will take me seriously as an actor.”

“You are the highest paid film star in the world.” Ian reminded him. “You don’t consider that being taken seriously enough?”

“You put your finger on it right there, Ian.” Jeremy pointed at him. “I’m a film star, not an actor. You have a really big bug you want shot on the screen with a really big gun? I’m at the top of the list. You want to make a serious drama with depth and passion? My name is never brought up.”

“Like it’s that much better for me?” Trampus cracked.

“You just got your third Oscar nomination.” Tyson reminded him. “I think that effectively puts you in another league.”

“I got lucky with the first film.” Scott defended. “A supporting actor nod for an indie during a lean year. The second was for the period piece. Shoot a musket, drop trou, die in your lover’s arms and bring in the bucks, they have to nominate you. It’s a rule.”

“What your excuse this year?” Ian asked with a smile on his face.

“Luck again, right place, right time.” Trampus lit another. “Saxon’s a friend, her co-star decided to have a very public meltdown a few days before production. She called, I answered.”

“But it was a romantic comedy, mate.” Jeremy retorted.

“Do you think it’s any easier to gain industry cred in a comedy?”

“Okay, dude.” Seven stepped in. “You’ve got a point there, but so does Jeremy. With that one stroke of ‘luck’ as you called it, you do have everyone looking at you in a different way.”

“A different way?” Trampus raised an eyebrow. “You know what I’ve been offered this week? A film reboot of “Red Dwarf” and a sci-fi flick set at a nudist colony on Mars!”

“Well at least that last one’s a different kind of action flick.” Jeremy laughed. “I guess we will both always be typecast as the dumb pretty boy.”

“You are a dumb pretty boy.” Trampus said. “I want that Oscar!”

“Do your next film for Harvey Weinstein, he’ll buy you one as a thank you gift.He does for everyone else.” Jeremy smirked.

Trampus looked over to Ian. “You’re awfully quiet.”

Colors were whirling in Ian’s head. “Do the “Red Dwarf” reboot. Don’t sign unless they give the other lead to Jeremy. If it falls through, let me know. I’d loved to do an American version for the network.”

“Really bad script.” Trampus said.

“Have you seen my show?” Seven tossed in.

“Seven, this script makes yours look like Shakespeare. I think they’re just offering it to me so I’ll turn it down. Then Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy will fight over it.”

“They do that?” Ian was shocked.

“Happens all the time.” Jeremy confirmed. “Offer a piece of crap to someone at the top of the A list. They turn it down, but it gives the project cred and suddenly not quite so big names start screaming at their agents to get it for them.”

“Okay, that’s something I never thought of.” Ian made a mental note. “I’m so new at this. I’ll never survive.”

“Now there’s a successful attitude.” Jeremy warned.

“Hey, I’ll fight to stay here. I’m good at that.” Ian said. “There are just so many games. I’ve been naïve enough to think that even the awful stuff got made because at one time somebody thought it was wonderful.”

“Most stuff gets made because somebody at one time thought it would make money, lots and lots of money.” Trampus informed him.

“Face it, mate, your in show business, screw the art and show me the business.” Seven acknowledged.

“Well, that’s not why I’m here, and if it’s all about money,” Ian announced, “I don’t see what your problem is.” .

Jeremy and Trampus looked at each other. “Explain that one.” One of them said.

“Well, you’ve been complaining about not being taken seriously as actors, never being offered the scripts you want.”

“And?” said the other.

“Next time you find something you want to do, and the suits say no, why not just have the guts you claim to follow take a look at your bank statement and do it anyway? Form your own production company. Screw ‘em all.” Ian said.

Jeremy looked at Trampus, then back to Ian. “Do you know how expensive it is to produce a film?”

“Got a ball park.” Ian said emptying the ashtrays in the trash and wiping them out. “You want to do something else besides big budget action flicks, find a small budget drama the actor in you in crying out to do. Put your business where your mouth is.”

“But…” Trampus started to interject.

“Hold on.” Ian said. “I don’t know how I’m staying here, but I know how I got here. All my life I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough. I had to fight to survive when half the time even I believed them. I was born with nothing and it seemed like every day of my life was a battle just to keep it, a handful of squat.”

“You’re here now.” Seven said.

“And I got here because I got tired of less than nothing and when an opportunity came up I went after it. I knew there was no way in hell I was going to get a job as a network executive, and when somebody, God bless ‘em, had a brain synapse and gave me a call, I didn’t pussy foot around. I knew the only thing I had going for me was me.”

“You played the game and won.” Jeremy said.

“No, I played my game and trumped theirs. I told them exactly what I thought, not what they wanted to hear.” Ian found he was almost screaming. “Sorry, got myself stirred up.”

Trampus smiled. “I certainly see why they hired you. Damn, you know how to swing for the stands.”

“Now, I just have to figure out how to keep swinging.” Ian said.

“As I see it,” Jeremy looked at Ian “What got you here, is what’s gonna keep you here, mate.”

“Well, that’s all I got.” Ian said almost to himself.

“For now.” Jeremy smiled.

“I was trying to make a point, but my ego got in the way.” Ian said to himself. “Right. The next logical step, you too Seven, is to form your own production company. Stop whining about not being taken seriously and take yourself seriously.”

“You got to continue to making the studios money if you want to keep working.” Trampus said flatly.

“Fine.” Ian stood his ground. “Keep making the big action flicks for the studios if you want, but use the success you’ve earned to do the kind of things you want. Make being bankable a hobby and make being an actor your career.”

Jeremy started hopping up and down. “Put me in coach! Put me in!”

Ian laughed at himself. “Sorry, got carried away.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It makes sense to me, but then again this time last year I was trying to figure out how to make corn production and hog calling interesting.”

“I love hog calling.” Trampus smiled.

“It how he gets laid.” Jeremy added.

In a few moments they were back with the group, but the shenanigans continued until the sun went down, and people started to disperse. Tippy thanked all for coming, Ian told everyone how genuinely pleased he was to meet them and everyone told Tippy what a great time they had.