BOOK ONE: DECEPTIONS
Chapters One to Twenty Six
Vignettes 1 - 140

BOOK TWO: YESTERDAY ECHOES
Chapters 27 to
Vignettes 141 -

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Vignette #165: Brilliant Crap

“Hey there gorgeous.” He beamed. “I was wondering when you’d come back to see me.”

“I’ve been a busy girl, and I knew you were tied up.” She giggled.

“I’m gonna ignore that pun.” Ian took Saxon’s hand as she leaned over and kissed him. “So, how was Disneyland?”

“We had a great time!” Saxon sighed and dumped herself into the chair beside his bed. “Ronnie had a set of ears made for everyone on Earth, but don’t tell him I told you. It’s a surprise.”

“Oh, joy. Just what I need Mickey Mouse ears with my name on them.”

“You’re in Hollywood, Ian. Disney is bound to get a portion of your soul somehow. It’s inevitable.”

“Well, I’m glad you finally got around to my name on your dance card. I was beginning to think you liked my son better than me.”

“Jealous?”

“Maybe just a little.” Ian picked up his cup and drained it. “Could I bother you to refill my water, please?”

Saxon looked around the room and then reached in her purse. “How about a Pepsi instead?”

“You smuggled me a Pepsi?” Ian’s eyes brightened as she popped open the top with a spritz and placed it within his reach.

“If you’ve got a pack a cigarettes in there, I’ll marry you.” He said lifting the can to his lips and taking a gulp of sheer heaven.

“I’ll remember that for next time.” She giggled as she popped another can from of her purse for herself.

“I think Ronnie has a little crush on you.” Ian confided.

“Aw that’s sweet.” She cooed. “The feeling is definitely mutual. He’s so much like his father, except I can swat him if he gets out of hand.”

“He wasn’t any trouble was he?”

“Oh no.” Saxon squeezed Ian’s free hand. “He was wonderful, just a fireball of energy. It wore me out trying to keep up with him.”

“I wish I could have gone with you.” Ian sighed.

“Ian, you and Ronnie will have lots of time to do things together. This was just something I thought I could do for him…and you…to keep him occupied and give Tippy and the boys a free hand today.”

“Have you heard how the clean up and repairs went?”

“I got a text from Jesse saying that everything went fine. Has no one been in to see you yet?”

“Not yet, but I figured sometime soon. The whole clan will show up eventually, hopefully with some edible food.”

“Who won lunch lotto?”

“Ronnie, eighteen bucks and he was right on the money, too. I’m still shocked he even knew what beef stroganoff was.”

Saxon laughed. “I’m surprised the cafeteria knew what beef stroganoff was.”

“Obviously they’ve heard of it. They just don’t know how to make it.” Ian turned up his Pepsi and drained it. “Got another one of these?”

“You’ve guzzled that whole can?”

“Sorry. Sugar and nicotine are rare treats. I’ve had nothing but juice and water for what three weeks now?”

“Here, have the rest of mine.” Saxon poured the dark liquid in his cup. “You’d better be careful Ian. The sugar buzz might send you into orbit.”

“Unless someone unhooks me, I won’t get very far. I’ll just be a sugar buzzed balloon.” He whined. “But, I am told if I’m a good boy they might spring me out of here in a few days.”

“So what another week?” Ian shot her a dirty look. “Well they said if you were a good boy. We both know that ain’t happenin’.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Ian slurped some more Pepsi. “So what’s kept you from my bedside vigil besides my son?”

“I’ve been busy.” Saxon giggled. “We finished casting ‘Hollow Points’ and of course Jeremy and I have been running around trying to tie up loose ends for “Quarters”.”

“So you’re in?”

“Absolutely. You’re not doing this without me. All we need is a director and one more major role. We’ve already set up a meeting with the lawyers to form the company. You know we can do that in less than an hour in somebody’s office?”

“It seems like it should be more complicated than that.” Ian drained the last of his cup. “I’ve got to talk with David Turner or someone from our legal department to make sure I’m not violating my HRT contract.”

“You can guarantee that couldn’t be solved in an afternoon in someone’s office.” She got up to rinse his cup and refill it with cold water from a sweating pitcher, putting both within his reach.

“I’m thinking that if Simon Kent and Baxter Reilly can do it on the sly, there shouldn’t be a problem with me doing it upfront and out in the open if it doesn’t create a conflict of interest. I’m certain there will be a lot more scrutiny of that sort of thing after the ‘Sebastian Manor’ debacle.”

“Speaking of which, have you decide what you are going to fill that hole with? I figure you’ve got what another week maybe two tops before dead air until September.”

“Oh, not to worry. I’ve got it covered.” Ian beamed for the second time since Saxon walked in his hospital room.

“Why Clem.” Saxon leaned in for the juicy details. “I know that look. What have you done in the corn field now?”

“Bessie, I’ve just done what comes natur’ly. I’m replacing ‘Sebastian Manor’ temporarily with ‘Sebastian Manor’”.

“Excuse me?” Saxon’s jaw dropped. “You are not seriously going to replace that tripe with reruns of the same tripe?”

“Not exactly. Wanna see?”

Saxon’s eyes lit up. “Grab that DVD player over there.” He pointed. “Don’t bring it too close. Ronnie let me borrow it and if I break it I have to by him a plasma screen and a new DVD player.”

“Smart kid.” Saxon set the player on the roll top. “What am I watching here?” She said as she expertly set everything up.

“Blake brought me a copy of the first few episodes. Have you ever heard of the website Better TV?”

“The one where they skewer everything in sight?”

“That’s the one. I signed the webmasters to a contract, gave them all the shot footage, every piece we had, turned it over to them and told them to have at it. They just had to wrap it all up by September 19.”

Saxon’s eyes popped. “Have you announced this or at least given the stations warning?”

“Nope.” Ian smiled. “Only six people are watching anyway, and I’m sure they’re all heavily medicated. It stays perfectly within all legal guidelines and at the same time sticks it to Baxter Reilly. He’s gonna have a fit!”

“What about, you know, FCC guidelines?”

“They are keeping it clean, and I have to be honest here.” Ian smirked. “This stuff is great. Logan and Will have taken a piece of absolute crap and turned it into something brilliantly hysterical.”

“It can’t possibly be a bigger bomb than the original.”

“My point exactly. Hit the start button.” Ian refilled his water cup and settled in to enjoy the disk again and gage Saxon’s reaction.

The screen stayed black, but ala ‘Star Wars’ white lettering began to scroll up the screen and a very professional man’s voice began. “And God created the heavens and the earth in six days. On the seventh he rested. On the eighth he looked around and said “What’s this crap?” And He called it…”

The opening credits for “Sebastian Manor” began to roll, causing Saxon and Ian to do the same. What followed was an irreverent bawdy double take of the plotlines. The men had chosen to highlight the stilted acting and camera angles, rearranging plots and dialogue, spoofing the original story and creating several new ones.

In several places, they chose to highlight the really horrendous original plot lulls by speeding up the tape, like someone hit the fast forward button. The 39 minutes of the first episode captured almost the first three weeks of the series. It was side splitting with a few dramatic moments as well. For the first time the story now made sense. It was now not only watch able but was addictive.

When the end credits rolled it was Ian’s turn to look like he had dined on a fat canary. “Well?”

Saxon was wiping her eyes with a silk handkerchief she snatched from her purse. Saxon grinned. “Baxter Reilly will be rolling over in his grave…”

“He’s not dead.”

“Are you kidding?” Saxon said. “The moment he sees the new tag and credits he’ll clutch his chest and keel over, and you know the man will be watching. Has anyone else seen this?”

“Just me and the five guys I have locked away in an editing room. In two weeks this hits the air…”

“And your not doing any kind of promotion?” She asked.

“We’ve deiced to just run the standard bites…I told you no one is watching this to begin with, so we’re just gonna blindside them and see what happens.”

“You aren’t afraid of affiliates thinking there is a problem?”

“We’re sort of warning them. My team is calling and sending letters letting them know that in two weeks to expect a shock and to just roll with it. Most are just relieved they don’t have nine weeks of dead air coming before Blood Kisses.”

“No promo at all?” Saxon was skeptical.

“Well not traditional promo…we’ve decided to promote it within the source. We aren’t warning the soap mags, who are filling their pages with wonderful rumors of no one knows what’s next…blah blah blah…actually causing great anticipation, we may even see rating spike the next couple of weeks of curious cats trying not be killed.”

“Nothing else?” Saxon asked.

“Not for the traditional sources, any time we get a call or a reporter drops by we just give them the lowdown on Blood Kisses completely side stepping any information on Sebastian Manor.” Ian told her.

“And if they ask point blank, you just tell them point blank…?”

“We respond as if we have no idea what they are talking about. As far as the new Manor, we are letting bloggers and You Tubers stir each other up, letting it leak that they are in charge…we’ll just see what happens.”

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